All too soon the ABC will have to make do with less funding due to federal government budget cuts. Where the knife will fall appears to change almost daily, with current-affairs show Lateline being walked to the edge of the plank before being pulled back last week, only for the entire ABC2 channel to be then put on death row. To promote discussion, and hopefully chill out the culture warriors engaged in a jihad against the national broadcaster, here are a few suggestions for how the ABC could do more with their dollars:
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❏ Make sure the most popular or recognisable on-air talent feature in as many shows as possible. Adam Hills, Tom Ballard and Peppa Pig could be used far more prominently, while the likes of Sarah Ferguson could be rotated onto Nowhere Boys and Play School. When the Four Corners reporter and recent 7.30 substitute host asks Little Ted what time is on the Play School clock, he is going to answer quick smart lest he wants to discover what life is like in Christopher Pyne's sweaty shoes.
❏ A moratorium on attempting to make any show where two or more people sit around and discuss any creative arts endeavour or scene. It wouldn't save a great deal of money, but the reduction in viewer aggravation would be invaluable.
❏ Throw open the vaults and fill off-peak hours – or an entire digital channel – with the many highlights (andoccasional lowlights) from the 58 years of television broadcasting the ABC has provided to the country. Ever wondered how sweet it would be if John Clarke and Andrew Knight created a series together? It actually happened 30 years ago, with the droll private detectives comedy The Fast Lane, which ran between 1985 and 1987.
❏ Instead of allowing individuals and companies to pay to advertise on the ABC, which is, of course, anathema to the very principles the organisation is based on, let them quietly pay in unmarked bills so that they're not skewered on Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell.
❏ Compact all similar shows down to one generic program that ticks all the boxes. Instead of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries and The Doctor Blake Mysteries, you could simply have Captain and Mrs Handsome's Old Time Murder Mystery Revue.
❏ Less news on ABC News 24, as it's really quite expensive to produce. ABC News 12/Home Shopping Network 12 sounds far more fiscally responsible, appealing to the long-ignored demographic of news junkies with an insatiable appetite for pewter jewellery and stronger abdominal muscles.
❏ Don't pay Alan Kohler, charge him to appear. Few people can explain the ramifications of a trade deficit with a twinkle in their eyes, as the finance presenter on the 7pm ABC News does, but graph guru Alan Kohler is also the editor-in-chief of The Eureka Report, an online subscription-based financial newsletter he sold to News Corp that looks to channel the investments of wealthy older Australia, i.e. the kind of people who often watch the ABC News. The ABC doesn't just pay Kohler, it bestows on him an invaluable commercial imprimatur.
❏ Let Justine Clarke do whatever she wants. She's a national treasure.
❏ Fire the entire programming development staff and simply make Australian versions of the fictional shows from 30 Rock: cross-generational reality contest MILF Island, game show Gold Case and the not easily classified Are You Stronger Than a Dog? could all be major successes. And don't forget Dealbreakers – put Leigh Sales out the front of that Liz Lemon relationship wrecker and stand back. "Shut it down, Dealbreaker!"
❏ Replace Managing Director Mark Scott with a robot that has two simple functions: the first expresses contrition for what the Chaser team said on air the previous evening, the second makes its eyes roll whenever Senator Corey Bernardi's name is mentioned.
❏ Shut down the ABC's vast Department of Left Wing Bias, where former trade union thugs, unmarried women and Global Cooling denialists spend their days relentlessly slanting the news coverage to further the shameless persecution of that noted minority group, Privileged Old White Men.
