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The Block Glasshouse has ended with a victory for brothers Simon and Shannon, as well as scenes of tear-soaked catastrophe for many others in what may have been the biggest emotional downer in The Block finale history.
The show began with a sentimental detour to the waterfront wedding of Blockheads Max and Karstan. In a moving ceremony depicted with liberal use of slow motion, which must have added considerably to the finale's extended running time, the young couple were wed in front of friends, family and fellow reality-show contestants, the nuptials conducted for some reason by Scott Cam.
This was just an entrée to the auction itself, which took place before a large and excited crowd, many of whom had camped out overnight to get a prime spot in a stunning illustration of the show's popularity and the full, rich lives of its fans.
With two hours to fill, The Block followed the honourable reality tradition of flashbacks. Memorable moments like Michael singing in bed, and Chris and Jenna dressing up in stupid costumes, were relived, along with many completely unmemorable moments that Channel Nine thought we might be interested in. We also harked back to controversies such as Max and Karstan's secret room, Simon and Shannon's hidden phone, and Darren and Dee's general attitude.
All this flashbacking was no doubt fascinating for viewers watching the show for the first time, who probably gained the impression that The Block involves a lot more dancing and gorilla suits than is actually the case. For regular viewers, however, it's an open question just how entertaining the repetition was.
Perhaps the most interesting part of the finale came around the halfway mark, when viewers were treated to an inexplicable skit wherein a group of security guards ran around with briefcases for a bit, then ran around for a bit more, then broke through a wall, then went up in a lift, then gave the cases to Cam, then went down in the lift. It was truly gripping TV, and showed the wisdom of the old showbiz aphorism, "When in doubt, pad your program out with something really pointless".
However, despite appearances, the show was all about the auctions, and eventually these did take place. First, the reserve prices were revealed, with Michael and Carlene coming in at $1.38 million; Max and Karstan at $1.67; Simon and Shannon at $1.565 million; Chris and Jenna at $1.5 million, and Darren and Dee $1.37 million. Chris and Jenna were the only team to gain no reductions in their reserve price through winning challenges.
Typical of reality shows' desire to foment conflict amongst participants, the teams were left to determine the order of their auctions, leading to classically Block-esque tension and struggles to restrain themselves from hurling abuse at each other. In the end no decision was possible, and teams were allowed to pick their preferred spot, in order determined by total judges' scores across the series. Naturally this meant Chris and Jenna ended up having to go first, about which they seemed utterly thrilled.
And so the auctions, preceded by a timely reminder that Shelley Craft was still hanging around, proceeded.
Chris and Jenna's auction was characterised initially by desperation. After the bidding reached the $1.5 million reserve, the auctioneer's attempts to garner a bid above the figure grew increasingly frantic until finally he had to take an ad break. And then, with such dramatic tension you'd almost think it was done deliberately for a TV show, more bids started coming in. The final price reached $1.81 million, so God knows what we were so worried about.
There was no such suspense in Simon and Shannon's auction – reserve was passed almost immediately, and Chris and Jenna's profit beaten shortly afterward. Final price was $1.9 million, a profit of $335,000. A good result, judging from the fact the brothers then removed their shirts.
Max and Karstan, fresh from their wedding, then learnt that life is full of ups and downs as their apartment was sold for just $1.71 million. Tears flowed copiously as the newlyweds were forced to deal with the most crushing disappointment known to humanity: learning that you've just won $40,000 on a game show.
The sad, wistful songs on the soundtrack didn't end there, though. Darren and Dee won just $10,000, which according to some real estate experts is even less than $40,000. A dampener had definitely been applied to proceedings. There was an air of "let's get this the hell over with" about Michael and Carlene's auction, an air which was not leavened with joie de vivre as their apartment seemed likely to fail to reach the reserve, before a last-minute white knight pushed it up to a $10,000 profit.
Simon and Shannon were declared the winners, receiving $335,000 profit and an extra $100,000 prize in an atmosphere of deep gloom at the horrible fate three teams had met with. Everyone was crying, even Simon and Shannon, although they may have been tears of laughter.
And so the series ended, with questions galore about whether the bottom has fallen out of the reality-TV property market, whether the novelty of purchasing celebrity apartments has worn off for real estate buyers, and whether a finale filled with misery is just as compelling TV as a feel good finish.
